It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
