OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
