i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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