bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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