I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Pooping to opera.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
