Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
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i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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