Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
