so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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