sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
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I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
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You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!