im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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