I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
