This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
