if i can run in heels then i can drive
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
