you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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