the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
