I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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