Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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