i was born a porn star she said
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
