we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
