Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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