I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
