The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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