You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
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Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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