Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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