i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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