My underwear smells like fireworks.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
