$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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