I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
