these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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