I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
