a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
