my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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