alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
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Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
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He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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