Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
