My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
