listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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