yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I didn't shave. On purpose
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
