you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
