your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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