if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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