If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??