Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...