i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Worst way to find out I have a half sister