Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?