whats a polygalesbian?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.