her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You made out with two different species that night
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
