I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
