sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
