He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
