My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
