I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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