Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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