His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
