I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
