We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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