i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
