cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
