Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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