Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
