just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
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They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
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Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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